The hardest part (part 2)

This post is called the hardest part and (maybe this is a little philosophical for me) but its from a coldplay song which says this 

The hardest part was letting go 

not taking part

was the hardest part. 

I could feel it go down 

bittersweet I could taste in my mouth 

silver lining the clouds 

I wish that I could work it out  

And the hardest part 

Was letting go 

not taking part 

You really broke my heart 

Chris Martin says it wonderfully.  'The hardest part was letting go, not taking part.'  

There are so so many things that I will not miss about living in Haiti.  Its hard, its hot, its humid, its dusty, its intense and its demanding physically, emotionally and spiritually.  There are bumpy roads, mosquitos, tarantulas, snakes, rats and cockroaches (in our kitchen cupboards).  There is no cheddar cheese, no yogurt, no strawberries, no chocolate and no sweet potatoes.  Cooking is hard, doing the dishes is like going to a sauna, driving is exhausting and the humidity sucks out all your energy. 

So why is it so hard to leave..... because we are letting go of this time in our life, we are not taking part anymore.  Yes we will always be involved in what Bethesda and Emmaus are doing in Haiti whether that is by praying, or giving or coming but we will not be living as a family again here in Haiti. And our 'taking part' had just decreased dramatically.  Please don't get me wrong, praying and giving are absolutely essential parts of missions, without those two things missions would not exist so yes we will keep taking part but its not the same as living here. 

Its hard because of the relationships. Relationships which have been formed through language barriers and cultural differences, not easy ones to make but even harder ones to break. Not to break forever but broken physically by distance, sometimes talking on the phone just doesn't cut it.  Supporting someone is always better in person especially in the relationship orientated culture which Haiti has.

Its hard to think about going back to some sort of 'normal' life - which I don't even think we really know what that is anymore.  After spending years in the middle of suffering and poverty its hard to listen to conversations about the things that now feel frivolous to us. Its hard to watch people waste their money knowing what good that money could do in Haiti and other places around the word.  Living in that context changes your worldview, it changes your perspective and I sincerely pray we will not get sucked into a life of materialism and keep that worldview we have learned to value to so much.  The worldview we have tried to teach to our boys - that stuff doesn't matter.  It not important.  That giving must be sacrificial. That relationship and time is important.  That obedience to God is ultimately what we are called to do. ( All of which we are still working on and probably always be.) 

Its heart breaking because everyone is already so discouraged with the situation in Haiti the last thing we ever ever wanted to do was to add to that discouragement. Its heartbreaking because this is not what we had planned and it is definitely not what we wanted. 

Its also bittersweet because we are so looking forward to 'normal' life, to not packing up house after house, to not knowing when the next time we might move might be.  To see our families (well mine at least) when ever we want, to not have to think will I have fuel for the car to go to school tomorrow, to know if one of the kids gets sick a hospital is right there and we can go and they will have treatment.  

And there are silver linings marking this hard time. There are so many thing I am so looking forward to.  Going to church in English, the boys being able to go to having Sunday school, being able to drive on smooth roads (can you tell the road is a big thing for me 😂😂), getting fuel at the pump whenever I need it, only showering once a day instead of three, wearing jeans, spending time with my friends, taking the boys to a forest,  having freedom, doing my own food shopping, buying lasagne that hasn't been chewed on by rats, taking the boys going to the park with their cousins and eating so many things!

Its a lot of conflicting emotions happening all at once in our brains and its a lot to process.  We have had a little time to process with this extra time because of covid.  When I first saw that positive test I almost panicked. As if the week wasn't crazy enough.  But you know, the Lord has been good.  We really did need some extra time to process what was going on, some extra time to pack and some extra time for Bill to finish teaching his classes. 

When we told the boys we wouldn't be leaving that day we had planned, they were ok Sam thought for a second and said ' Well God has answered our prayers, we had been praying that he would show us when to leave Haiti and we needed more time to pack so now God has given us more time.'  Sometimes we learn a lot from our kids. 

We don't know how long we will stay in Canada or what exactly we will do there.  But we do need some time together to process and work through the stress of the past 6 months or should I say 6 years! and the farm in the middle of no where with family seems to be a good place to do that even if it will be -30 degrees. 

The hardest part

We have had one evacuation from Haiti and it was pretty dramatic.  When we returned in the summer we never in a million years imagined we would be evacuated...again. And this one maybe as dramatic as the last one.  Before we go any further, we are safe, we are well and today, on Sam's birthday we are currently in a hotel in New Orleans.  We got here around 1am last night, everyone else is still asleep but seeing I do not have the ability to sleep in I am awake.  

We knew things were not great in Haiti when we returned in August, the president, Jovenel Moise had just been brutally murdered in his own home and everyone waited for things to blow up but they never did.  Everyone was outraged that this would happen but life in Haiti had to continue on because that is what Haiti does.  Just moves on, just keeps going regardless what life throws at Haiti because really what other option do people have.

Basically since then things have gone downhill pretty quickly with one of the biggest problems being insecurity.  Port au Prince has always been much much more unstable than Cap Haitian but we started to hear more stories of robberies, kidnappings and murders closer to home.  We limited our movements and really didn't go anywhere except  school / work (which are in the same village).  Every weekend was the same thing, home all day and walk to church down the road on Sunday morning stay home on Sunday afternoon. Outside of work we really didn't see anyone else. 

Elections which were scheduled for November are cancelled indefinitely, the prime minster was (still is) being implicated and investigated in the murder of Jovenel Moise, and then the fuel problems really began to get bad.  Gangs in Port au Prince are controlling the city which means they control what goes in and out.  From the beginning of October it was becoming almost impossible to find fuel at the pump, by mid October the only place to get it was at the side of the street on the black market at $20 (US) a gallon.  This began to affect hospitals who depend of diesel generators to function, it was / is affecting businesses, schools, universities and banks. 

This is how the majority of people now buy fuel. 

 Bill and I started having conversations like how long should we stay here, what would have to happen for us to leave, if we do leave where could we go.  By the beginning of November these were probably daily conversations. These types of conversations are so difficult to have.  How do we weigh up the risk, how do we know what the risk is, how do we are we stay obedient to what we believe God has asked us to do, what about the responsibility we have to our children, it is ok for Julie to be driving to work alone every day etc 

Please please if you know any families on the mission field in 'dangerous places' support them in anyway you can because these conversations and circumstances are so so hard and they very last thing they need is either condemnation that they took their children somewhere unsafe or condemnation that they choose to leave somewhere that God has called them to.  Trust me when I say these conversations are so so very hard to have and to consider staying or going is also very very hard.  Anyway that was a side note. 

I missed many days of work because of fuel, we just didn't have any to go.  When we were able to go I had to pick Jacob up from school at 11 with me and bring him to work with me and get the other boys out early because we simply didn't / still don't have the fuel to be driving back and forward. 

Kidnapping in Cap Haitian is not very common but in Port au Prince it is a daily occurrence and since president Moise was killed kidnappings increased by 300%.  Haiti now has the highest rate of kidnappings per capita in the whole world.  This is not something you want to be known by.  EVERYDAY Haitians are being kidnapped, rich or poor, it doesn't matter anymore, some are beaten, the girls are raped and who knows where they are sleeping or what they are eating.  Families are known to sell everything they own to get some ransom money. It is dreadful.  In October a group of 17 North Amercians were kidnapped and the group included 5 children, one of the them an 8 month old baby.  A baby who is now 10 months old and has spent 1/5 of their life in captivity.  It is truly awful. Two of them have been released but its now almost 2 months that the other 15 are being held hostage. 

On November 10th the US and Canadian Embassy both sent out a warning asking all of their citizens to leave Haiti while commercial flights are still available. Now we started to hear of missionaries leave, even here in the North.  After various conversations with OMS it became clear it was time for us to go.  

Honestly, we were heartbroken. 

It was not easy for us to return to Haiti after so long away because of Covid and we had such a strong desire to pass over our jobs and finish our time in Haiti well. We have seen way way too many missionaries, almost always not out of their own choice, leave Haiti quickly and it is devastating for those left behind.  We were certain we would never do that, we wanted to finish what we came to do so we came back, dragged our kids across the world (again) to finish up and leave well.  

Yet here we are. 

After a conversation with OMS on Monday (15th) we booked flights for Saturday (19th), spent the next few days telling people, every conversation was difficult,  packing up our house, giving most of our stuff away, packing up some special things from Haiti and deciding where we should go and for how long.  We made a rough plan for the next few weeks and prepared to leave.  We didn't feel ready to leave at all but we did feel peace about going.  Then on Thursday evening we did our covid tests for flying.  After holding the boys down to do theirs I looked at my result and almost couldn't believe it.  

Positive. 

I wasn't sick, I had hardly been anywhere or with anyone because of the fuel issue.  So I brushed it off as a false positive and did another one. Same result. 

We could not believe it, my head was spinning with questions, what on earth do we do now. 

Bill put the boys to bed and I phoned Dr Rodney, he laughed and I felt a lot better! We think we can control things, make plans and so often the Lord has other ideas.  That evening I got a few things together and moved up to the apartment at Emmaus away from everyone to decrease the risk of me passing it on to anyone at home, even though they have already been exposed.   The next day we did one more test to be sure and got the same result.  So poor Bill was now holding down the fort at home.   

We figured out a way for the boys to come and sit on the steps to chat to me.  Jacob kept saying mummy please come back, I want a hug it was so hard for him to understand.  On that first day I asked Sam on facetime was he ok to which he replied 'no, no body feels right when your not here.' (just nominate me for mother of the year now 😂😂) We were able to cancel our flights and get a travel voucher.  We also tried to get our hands on as many covid tests as we could thinking about the possibilty of someone else being positive once I was negative. 

By Tuesday Bill didn't feel well so on Wednesday he tested again, it was positive.  I came home and we decided it was best if we tested everyone because when you test positive affects when you can fly.   So at that point I was actually praying that all the boys would test positive then we would all be in the same boat and it would make planning travel easier.  So all the boys tested positive that night aswell.  Thankfully they all had a very mild cold and were tired.  Bill was affected the most and he was really tired and lethargic.  

You are able to fly to the states 10 days after a positive test so at least now we could make some plans.  We stayed home, packed and planned to fly out of Haiti on Sunday 5th. 

As my isolation was finished I was able to go to the clinic on Friday and say goodbye.  This was not easy at all. By Saturday we had all finished our isolation and had a few friends come to visit while finishing up some last minute packing. 

Sunday we headed to the aiport and flew from Cap Haitian to Fort Lauderdale to New Orleans. 

You may be wondering why New Orleans.  Well we are going to drive from there to Jackson Mississippi to visit the Ayars, our neighbours in Haiti who we have not seen since that last brutal evacuation.  Stacey and the kids were supposed to come to Haiti in November but the trip was cancelled.  The boys are so looking forward to seeing the kids and we are all looking forward to spending time together, eating together - like we used to alot and catching up on the last year and a half. 

Again covid brings us more complications, Canada will not accept the anitgen test we took in Haiti so we need to get a PCR test which we cannot get in the North of Haiti. Tomorrow we will need to get a PCR test which we assume will be positive then wait for two weeks before we are able to fly to Canada. 

The Ayars have very graciously agreed to put us up for just over a week, then we will fly to Indiana to stay with another missionary family, the Grosses, who again we have not seen since that last evacuation in March 2020.  It is not easy to have 5 extra people in your home, especially with 3 little emotional boys, right before christmas so we are so thankful for the Ayars and the Grosses for letting us stay with them.  We are also really looking forward to seeing them all and spending some time together. 

Then on 22nd December we will fly to Canada to spend Christmas with Bill's family, who we now have not seen for two and a half years.  And that is as far as we have got. 

I realise many of you will have lots of questions.  I wrote most of this post when I was in isolation and have another one half written but I  will try to write more over the next couple of weeks. We would value your prayers, this has not been easy at all and neither will the next few months be. 

So what is the hardest part.....its always has and always is saying goodbye.