The hardest part (part 2)

This post is called the hardest part and (maybe this is a little philosophical for me) but its from a coldplay song which says this 

The hardest part was letting go 

not taking part

was the hardest part. 

I could feel it go down 

bittersweet I could taste in my mouth 

silver lining the clouds 

I wish that I could work it out  

And the hardest part 

Was letting go 

not taking part 

You really broke my heart 

Chris Martin says it wonderfully.  'The hardest part was letting go, not taking part.'  

There are so so many things that I will not miss about living in Haiti.  Its hard, its hot, its humid, its dusty, its intense and its demanding physically, emotionally and spiritually.  There are bumpy roads, mosquitos, tarantulas, snakes, rats and cockroaches (in our kitchen cupboards).  There is no cheddar cheese, no yogurt, no strawberries, no chocolate and no sweet potatoes.  Cooking is hard, doing the dishes is like going to a sauna, driving is exhausting and the humidity sucks out all your energy. 

So why is it so hard to leave..... because we are letting go of this time in our life, we are not taking part anymore.  Yes we will always be involved in what Bethesda and Emmaus are doing in Haiti whether that is by praying, or giving or coming but we will not be living as a family again here in Haiti. And our 'taking part' had just decreased dramatically.  Please don't get me wrong, praying and giving are absolutely essential parts of missions, without those two things missions would not exist so yes we will keep taking part but its not the same as living here. 

Its hard because of the relationships. Relationships which have been formed through language barriers and cultural differences, not easy ones to make but even harder ones to break. Not to break forever but broken physically by distance, sometimes talking on the phone just doesn't cut it.  Supporting someone is always better in person especially in the relationship orientated culture which Haiti has.

Its hard to think about going back to some sort of 'normal' life - which I don't even think we really know what that is anymore.  After spending years in the middle of suffering and poverty its hard to listen to conversations about the things that now feel frivolous to us. Its hard to watch people waste their money knowing what good that money could do in Haiti and other places around the word.  Living in that context changes your worldview, it changes your perspective and I sincerely pray we will not get sucked into a life of materialism and keep that worldview we have learned to value to so much.  The worldview we have tried to teach to our boys - that stuff doesn't matter.  It not important.  That giving must be sacrificial. That relationship and time is important.  That obedience to God is ultimately what we are called to do. ( All of which we are still working on and probably always be.) 

Its heart breaking because everyone is already so discouraged with the situation in Haiti the last thing we ever ever wanted to do was to add to that discouragement. Its heartbreaking because this is not what we had planned and it is definitely not what we wanted. 

Its also bittersweet because we are so looking forward to 'normal' life, to not packing up house after house, to not knowing when the next time we might move might be.  To see our families (well mine at least) when ever we want, to not have to think will I have fuel for the car to go to school tomorrow, to know if one of the kids gets sick a hospital is right there and we can go and they will have treatment.  

And there are silver linings marking this hard time. There are so many thing I am so looking forward to.  Going to church in English, the boys being able to go to having Sunday school, being able to drive on smooth roads (can you tell the road is a big thing for me 😂😂), getting fuel at the pump whenever I need it, only showering once a day instead of three, wearing jeans, spending time with my friends, taking the boys to a forest,  having freedom, doing my own food shopping, buying lasagne that hasn't been chewed on by rats, taking the boys going to the park with their cousins and eating so many things!

Its a lot of conflicting emotions happening all at once in our brains and its a lot to process.  We have had a little time to process with this extra time because of covid.  When I first saw that positive test I almost panicked. As if the week wasn't crazy enough.  But you know, the Lord has been good.  We really did need some extra time to process what was going on, some extra time to pack and some extra time for Bill to finish teaching his classes. 

When we told the boys we wouldn't be leaving that day we had planned, they were ok Sam thought for a second and said ' Well God has answered our prayers, we had been praying that he would show us when to leave Haiti and we needed more time to pack so now God has given us more time.'  Sometimes we learn a lot from our kids. 

We don't know how long we will stay in Canada or what exactly we will do there.  But we do need some time together to process and work through the stress of the past 6 months or should I say 6 years! and the farm in the middle of no where with family seems to be a good place to do that even if it will be -30 degrees.